Transform Your Life: Asking the Right Questions
It’s not always safe to express ourselves.
When we’re in an abusive or even unhealthy relationship, our mind may be the only private space we have. Sometimes our livelihood or our very lives depend on us being quiet when we’re upset even if it’s an understandable response. The thoughts we bring into that space are entirely up to us. We have the right and ability to think, to have a belief system and to feel what is inside of us. We may not have the circumstances to express them but they’re there. This is one place the person who chooses to abuse can’t control or destroy.
Leaving an abuser is one of the hardest things to do and the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.
It may take years to muster up the strength to leave or to even think about leaving. There are many things to consider, many things that hold us back. But questions we can ask ourselves are a safe, first step. They are the first step to change. We don’t need to write them down, risking the chance they may be found. Simply asking ourselves questions from a curious standpoint can jump start our thinking process to lead us to helpful decisions that can ultimately protect us!
Questions We Can Ask Ourselves:
If I could wave a magic wand, what would my life look like?
What boundaries would I want someone I love to have in their own relationships?
What is my idea of a healthy, loving partnership?
What messages did I get when I was younger or growing up that I need to get rid of?
What words will heal me? What messages can I tell myself that will empower me?
If I were to leave, what would be the very first step?
If I stay, what will my life look like a year from now?
How can I be kind to myself today?
Why do I want a better life?
What do I know about abuse?
What small step can I take to put me in a better mindset?
These questions may seem foreign to someone in an abusive relationship. But the point is, without pressure or self judgement, to start asking, and to start hearing our own voice; the one in our head that no one else hears. Questions like these have the power to help us clarify and redefine our path, while making good decisions and living a life we had only imagined before. They facilitate change in a very personal and private way, on our own terms.
Like Zora Neale Hurston wrote in her book, Their Eyes Were Watching God, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer”. Wherever we are in our journey, asking ourselves questions is a freedom that no one can take away. They are the beginning of change.
Written by Natilie Land, NBC-HWC
Prevention Educator at Mutual Ground
