Busting Domestic and Sexual Violence Myths
Through volunteering at Mutual Ground, I have met other survivors of domestic violence and sexual violence, family and friends of those who have lost their lives to domestic violence, and like-minded people who want to give a helping hand to the survivors of these horrific acts. It takes sweat, detailed coordination, immeasurable hours of service, and heartfelt tears for a place like Mutual Ground to exist. A place where volunteers and employees show up without incentive, because they are dedicated to creating change and providing a safe space for survivors. Mutual Ground provides services to those that have been impacted by domestic violence, sexual violence, and substance use. So today, we’re going to talk about myths and realities of domestic and sexual violence.
Myth: “It’s not hard to leave. Just pack up and go”.
Reality: On average, it takes seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship. In fact, the process of leaving is the most dangerous point in a relationship. This means that it must be shaped by knowledge, safety planning, accessible resources, and survival strategies. Unfortunately, this is not always the case, and why we strive to provide these resources to as many survivors as possible.
My take: I never understood why my mom didn’t leave until I was old enough to truly grasp the depths of the abuse. My father isolated my mother and created a life that was unpredictable, one that he had control over. She didn’t have financial stability, technological outlets that weren’t tracked, or emotional safety. He stripped her of it all. This left her with little ability to plan a way out, let alone a way to leave safely with her children in tow. She didn’t want to stay, but like many other victims, she didn’t have the option to escape in a way that guaranteed she, or her children, would make it out alive. Myths like this reinforce feelings of guilt and shame onto the victims.
Myth: “Physical abuse is the only bad abuse”
Reality: Every form of abuse causes distress, and many experience trauma, linked to their abuse. Physical abuse and sexual abuse leave observable marks, but each form of abuse can have long-lasting impacts. Some other types of abuse are financial, verbal, technological, and emotional – each one causing different wounds, many of which can’t be seen. But each one comes from the same place of the offender’s need for power and control.
My take: I can understand why someone on the outside looking in might feel this way, especially when a life is lost. But coming from someone who has been there, it is also far from the truth. Physical trauma is bad; there is no doubt. But the emotional trauma that we suffered lasted far longer than the cuts and bruises. It took a few months for my mom to feel better physically, but she still suffers from night terrors and anxiety. I still suffer from vivid flashbacks, cannot stand when I hear a man yell, and I say “sorry” nearly nonstop for the most miniscule things. Myths like this undermine the detrimental harm that can come for all forms of abuse.
Myth: “If someone doesn’t fight back, it’s not assault”
Reality: There are four primary trauma responses. They are fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. When you fight, you push back against the threat. When you engage in flight, you escape or avoid the threat. When you engage the fawn response, you appease or please the threat. When you freeze, you are unable to act. Trauma responses, such as freeze, are a critical survival mechanism that our body uses to make sure that we come out of that experience alive.
My take: I recently attended a training course at Mutual Ground where we spoke in length about both physical and sexual violence. We talked about violence, as well as consent. At the end of the day, it is simple. Compliance is not consent. No means no. The absence of yes means no. Consent must be freely given and can be taken back at any time. Saying yes today does not mean yes tomorrow. Consent while intoxicated is not consent. Myths like this place blame on the victim and take accountability off the offender.
Myth: “Abuse only happens to women and children”
Reality: Abuse does not discriminate. It affects people of all ages, genders, cultures, and economic levels. While women and children are most vulnerable, boys and men are still affected by domestic violence and sexual violence. Domestic violence and sexual violence affect, nearly 1 in 3 women and 1 in every 7 men. Around 15.5 children witness domestic violence each year. And approximately 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 13 boys will experience sexual violence before the age of 18.
My take: It physically hurts to read statistics like this. Being a part of those statistics is why I find it so important to be a part of something like Mutual Ground. To use my voice to show others the importance of talking, even about the uncomfortable topics. Victims need our voices and our advocacy. Myths like this one discount the experiences of so many people.
Myth: “If it were really bad, they would tell someone”
Reality: There are a number of different reasons why a victim may not tell someone. They may remain quiet out of fear (of the offender, of not being believed, of being “shunned”), shame, guilt, dependency, embarrassment, etc. The fact is you cannot understand someone’s reasoning for their choices. Even as someone who has experienced this, I would never try to assume why another survivor did or did not disclose their abuse.
My take: It took my mother 12 years and nearly dying to tell anyone about the abuse. Because in between the physical altercations, were pockets that felt “good” because she could physically function. The emotional abuse, on the other hand, happened daily. It happened in the form of narcissism, manipulation, and gaslighting – all dressed up as “love” for a while. Myths like this blame the victim for something that is out of their control.
Myth: “Survivors should just move on once they are safe.”
Reality: While this seems like a simple concept, it is an unrealistic way of thinking. Victims of every form of abuse need to take time to heal and repair what was broken along the way. Survivors who have suffered trauma in either a domestic or sexually violent way deserve to address that trauma in a way that supports their autonomy and honors their dignity. Abuse and trauma are incredibly complex and take time to process and sort through. Each form of abuse leaves a path of tragedy and destruction in its wake and cannot simply be moved on from.
My take: While moving on seems like a simple concept for the ordinary, it is not for someone who has suffered from any form of violence. Healing is not linear, which means moving forward from the repercussions of violence is going to ebb and flow, change in intensity, and be a process that requires a delicate approach that is guided by the survivor’s pace. Myths like this discount the impact that survivors face due to abuse and violence.
It is easy to judge a situation or scenario that we are not a part of, but it is also dangerous. It only reinforces the stigmas and stereotypes that keep victims from coming forward. Which in case you were wondering, is around 52%. Let that sink in. Millions of individuals report every year, and yet this statistic tells us that nearly half of the assaults that happen go unreported.
So instead, I encourage you to share this blog and spread the knowledge. Stigmas thrive in silence, so join me in speaking loudly and clearly against domestic violence and sexual abuse.
Written by Anonymous Volunteer
