Practicing Self-Compassion
When we face trauma or experience things that threaten our mental and emotional health, it’s normal to go inward where we feel safe. But often what we’ve experienced has an adverse effect on how we view ourselves and changes what “inside” might look like. Sexual Violence, Domestic Violence and other violent traumas have a way of systematically shutting down healthy responses and mindsets we once had. The good news is that we are all capable of forming or recreating a foundation that’s strong and built with tough materials regardless of our upbringing or adversities that we’ve gone through. Self-compassion is at the core of developing real love for ourselves, creating a resilience and fortitude that withstands the sometimes brutal onslaught life brings. Dr. Kristen Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion, the founder of the self-compassion.org website, and co-founder of the program, Mindful Self-Compassion, says of it, “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings”.
When a survivor is able to start the healing process it is one of the best ways to overcome the shame that often accompanies trauma. Shame is the diametrical opposite of self-compassion. So, when working toward better thought patterns and when regulating your sympathetic nervous system responses, the way we view and treat ourselves is crucial. The three components of self-compassion are: Self-kindness vs. Self-judgement, Common humanity vs. Isolation and Mindfulness vs. Over-identification. In showing kindness to ourselves, we are gentle and understanding of our inner self when we feel that we’ve erred or when others have made us feel like we have. Another component is appreciating that personal flaws and inadequacies are a part of the human experience. It can feel as if we are the only ones that make bad judgement calls and have imperfections. When we are experiencing mindful self-compassion, we are balanced and understand that our negative emotions are only a part of the story. Mindfulness can help us face our experience courageously even when it’s uncomfortable and unpleasant rather than avoid painful thoughts and emotions. Nor do we overidentify or get caught up in them by reacting instead of responding in a healthy way. Here’s another bit of good news: When we work on the positive self-compassionate traits, the negative side will automatically reduce. For instance, when we accept the truth that mistakes and imperfection are things every person alive experience, it opens our heart not just toward acceptance of ourselves, but to others as well, reducing our tendencies toward isolation. Knowing we are not alone in our suffering allows us to be at peace with ourselves and with others.
It’s also self-compassionate to speak up for ourselves, to set limits and boundaries and to demonstrate our worth and value, to fight courageously for what we deserve. Since self-compassion is the ending of suffering within, Dr. Neff calls that “Fierce Self-compassion” and recommends we ask ourselves, “What do I need to alleviate my suffering?”. The answer depends on our specific circumstances at that moment. It may be time for tenderness and understanding for ourselves or it could be a more appropriate response to act decisively and assertively on our own behalf. Both are self-compassionate.
Life can be hard sometimes. But whether life is hard for us right now or we’re already in a better place, making self-compassion a priority will help in reminding us of our strengths, our joys and all the ways we make the world a better place…and we do, we just have to look through the most authentic and truthful lens we have; the self-compassionate one.
Written By
Natilie Land
Prevention Educator at Mutual Ground