Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

Cycle of violence

Domestic violence is rarely an isolated incident. Rather, it is a pattern of behavior aimed at establishing and maintaining power and control over an intimate partner. The pattern is typically described as a cycle of violence. Since seriousness and effects of abuse escalate in each subsequent cycle, the pattern of domestic violence can also be described as a spiral. In its worst, the spiral ends in death of the victim.

Phases:

  • Set-up
  • Abuse
  • Guilt and fear of reprisal
  • Rationalization
  • Normal behavior
  • Fantasy and planning
  • Set-up
  • etc.

Set-up

The abuser creates and controls situations, in which the victim has no choice but to react in a way that will, in the abuser’s mind, justify the abuse.

Abuse

When the time and planned circumstances are right, the abuser perpetrates the violence. The attack is a display of power and control over the victim and over everyone else in the household. Over time, the abuse worsens.

Guilt and fear of reprisal

After abuse, the abuser may have feelings of guilt. This isn’t normal guilt, i.e. feeling sorry for hurting another person, but an expression of the fear of getting caught and held accountable for the abuse. The abuser may apologize, make excuses for the abusive behavior, pledge to never do it again, and use gifts, promises, and bribes as a way of assuaging the guilt and fear of reprisal. The real purpose is to silence the victim and prevent the victim from speaking out.

Rationalization

The abuser states it is the victim’s fault. The abuser makes justifications of the abuse: the victim made the abuser mad, it is the victim’s fault, etc. This provides a justification for the abusive behavior and is used as permission to continue abuse in the future. The abuser denies and ignores personal responsibility for the abuse.

Normal behavior

Between incidents of abuse the abuser often acts as if nothing happened. The victim is coerced to participate in the cover-up. The abuser threatens the victim’s credibility by saying thing like, “No one will believe you.” The abuser may also make subtle or direct threats, such as, “If you say anything, you will never see your children again.” Often, the victim is manipulated through guilt.

Fantasy and planning

Abusers often fantasize about past and future abuses, which feeds their anger and propels them to begin actively planning their next abuse. The abuser may plan a future attack using excuses from the rationalization stage. The abuser also begins to set the victim up.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.